Team GB has won its first gold of the 2022 Winter Olympics in the “going arse over tit on ice” competition.

Much like the women’s monobob, this is the first time the “going arse over tit on ice” event has appeared at the Winter Olympics.

The event is scored by a panel of judges who look at the speed of the fall, the fight put up against the inevitable, the difficulty of the contortions made upon becoming airborne, the sound of the impact, and the severity of the swearing outburst upon impact.

As soon as the event was announced as part of the 2022 Winter Olympics, Team GB knew that they were in with a chance of a medal.

“Anything that requires a lack of grace and the ability to swear is tailor-made for the British,” said a member of the German Olympic team.

It was Jack Frost who secured the gold for Team GB after he performed a beautiful slip and fall consisting of two “buttery whistles”, three “windmills” and one “how’s your father”. We can’t repeat the words he uttered upon impact for fear we’ll be pulled off our advertising network.