Britain has been left in shock after it discovered that a certain blond apple fell right next to a lecherous tree.

The blond apple and the lecherous tree, who cannot be named for legal reasons, have both been accused of swinging their Johnsons around rather too much.

“I’m absolutely shocked and appalled by this boorish behaviour. Not since I went up North to watch Accrington Stanley have I seen such vile conduct,” said one stunned Brit.

While it’s traditional for apples to fall not far from the tree, it’s quite impressive to see just how close to the tree the apple managed to land.

“There’s literally less than a centimetre between them. If you squint, they’re one and the same,” said one observer.

Experts have warned women not to approach the apple or the tree for the sake of their own safety.