Royal staff have been told to keep two metres away from Prince Andrew’s computer at all times after its hard drive tested positive for NONCIN-14.

NONCIN-14 is a hyper-contagious computer virus that can be transferred to humans. Symptoms include an inability to sweat, a stronger than usual desire for pizza, and a predilection for underage girls.

Prince Andrew is attempting to fix the computer himself and has warned Royal staff not to interrupt his efforts.

‘He’s been working on it for weeks now. He must be working very hard because, although we’re not allowed in the room, we can all hear a lot of grunting and groaning.

‘He must have come close to fixing it a few times because I’ve heard him cry out “Oh, yes!” before letting loose with a few swear words,’ one Royal aide told us.

If Prince Andrew is unable to rid his computer of the virus, he might call local tech repairman Jim L. Figgsit for advice.