Conservative politicians can smell blood in the water from over a mile away, according to a scientific report.

Scientists paid a dozen Conservative MPs handsomely to test their ability to smell blood in the water and were amazed at their findings.

‘We dropped just 1cc of blood into the water and they were all able to smell it from a mile away. To put it into perspective, that’s better than sharks,’ Dr Hammerhead told us.

The grey, soulless, beady-eyed killers use this skill to detect weakness and then feast on their prey, just like sharks.

‘Once they get a whiff of blood in their nostrils, they become absolutely savage,’ the report stated.

Those wounded near a Conservative politician are urged to surrender themselves immediately.