Boris Johnson attempted to sell state secrets to Russian donors before realising he didn’t know any, according to the prime minister himself.

Always looking to make some fast cash, Johnson arranged a meeting with Russian donors to sell state secrets in exchange for £250,000 – his monthly child support bill.

However, the meeting quickly fell apart when Johnson realised that he didn’t actually remember any of the thousands of state secrets he’d been briefed on.

“I bloody knew I should have paid attention during at least one of those briefings,” he grumbled.

Boris was instead forced to make up state secrets about how some of the very highest positions in government were held by utterly incompetent people.

“The Russians refused to pay me though. They say it was information they already had,” said Boris.