It has long been thought that Queen Elizabeth II, the reigning monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Across the Seas, would retain her place on the throne until she passed on to the next world, but documents recently released from the Palace suggest that she may well now be reconsidering her position.

‘One has always been required to meet regularly with one’s Prime Minister, to be updated on the state of one’s nation,’ she is believed to have said, ‘and that was perfectly fine, up to a point. I’ve seen off a lot of PMs in my time - the alcoholic, the rabbit-faced blunderer, the pompous one, the odorous one, the dopey one, the pensive one, the drab one, that wretched woman, the grey one, the smarmy one, the dour one, the ham faced one, the other wretched woman - but one has to draw the line somewhere, and this fucking Bozo is where it’s at. Bollocks to this, one is retiring.’

Prince Charles, who has been anticipating his elevation to the throne for decades, also reportedly said that he wasn’t interested in taking the position now and that he was happy for the Crown to skip a generation and pass directly to Prince William.

William muttered something about a poisoned chalice and said that George could have it.

George, 6, said, ‘Goody, a clown!’ and is expected to be crowned within the week. Unless, that is, somebody explains matters to him…