Home Secretary Priti Patel is personally patrolling the borders, waiting for football to try and come home so that she can deport it.

While football was born in England, it has spent so much time abroad that it no longer has a legal right to return to England, according to Patel.

‘Football hasn’t lived in England for over fifty years. It can’t expect to return and still call England its home. If it tries, I will deport it,’ she told us.

If football does come home, it can be slow or fast but it must get to the borderline without being spotted by Patel.

‘If I spot that ball I’ll hit it and hurt it, don’t you worry,’ said Patel. ‘I’ll hoof it back into the sea along with any little baby footballs it tries to bring in.’

With such a ferocious opponent to get past, football may instead opt to move to Italy, a nation it’s already made its home on several occasions.