People from the North of England are sentient beings capable of feeling pain, although they’re not able to express it, according to a review commissioned by the UK government.

The report by experts at the London School of Southern Softies looked at a range of over two hundred studies to evaluate evidence of sentience, intelligence and capacity to feel pain.

While intelligent levels were often low, there was enough evidence to suggest that Northerners are sentient and capable of feeling pain.

However, Northerners are such hard bastards that they are completely incapable of expressing pain in any way other than putting the kettle on to make a cup of tea.

The report suggests that people from the North of England should be treated as sentient beings. This would mean more funded being directed to the North East and North West of the country.

Southerners are also being told that they should no longer boil Northerners alive, no matter how delicious their flesh might taste when dipped in butter.