Deaths in the North of England have fallen short of the quarterly target, according to the government’s latest report.

Pestilence and famine have been used to kill off as many Northerners as possible, yet the hardy bastards just won’t die.

‘We’re incompetent on a lot of things but this one isn’t on us. We’ve tried everything to meet our targets of bumping them off but they seem almost impossible to kill,’ said an exasperated Boris Johnson.

The government’s latest plan is to send a bunch of Southerners into the North to see if they can succeed where COVID-19 and starvation have failed.

‘We don’t think they could beat Northerners in a fight but they might just be able to waffle enough bollocks to completely bore them to death,’ said one cabinet member.

There are, as of yet, no volunteers from the Conservative Party to take on this deadly mission.