Keir Starmer threw a party during lockdown but no one showed up, according to our sources.

Just like the Conservatives, Keir Starmer also threw a party last Christmas. The only difference is that no one turned up to Starmer’s.

The party was scheduled to take place at Starmer’s home, with the Labour leader inviting several members of the press as well as key members of the party. Unfortunately for Starmer, he was left on his own all night after not a single person turned up.

It’s thought that most of those invited went to the Conservative Christmas party at 10 Downing Street instead.

“There ain’t no party like a Starmer party because a Starmer party is incredibly boring. He never has any good blow and the music is all Coldplay. It’s depressing as fuck. You can say what you want about Boris but the drugs he has access to are incredible,” said one anonymous Labour MP.

Because no one turned up to the party, Keir Starmer technically didn’t break any laws and the police won’t be investigating the incident.

“If we investigated the party, we’d have to interview Keir and it’s hard enough to stay awake on the job without that level of boredom,” one officer told us.