Jeffrey Epstein was denied bail today despite the fact he has a whole network of other people’s children to look after.

Epstein’s lawyer pleaded with the judge to give his client bail so that Epstein could take care of his network of children.

‘Your honour, my client has hundreds of children to manage and negotiate for. Without him, who knows how safe they’ll be?’ said the lawyer.

The plea fell on deaf ears though when Judge Berman denied Epstein bail.

Epstein’s network of children could now fall into government care. President Trump has promised to personally handle each of their cases.

‘Especially if they look like a young Ivanka,’ he drooled.