Jacob Rees-Mogg is said to be “in panic mode” after he heard rumblings of a possible black male in the Conservative Party.

One day after refusing to let Nanny clean out his ears, Jacob Rees-Mogg is now pulling strings to block any black male from joining the party.

“I was flabbergasted when I heard there could be a black male in the party. I’m not racist but the Conservative Party is a party of traditional British values and that means rich white men ruining – sorry, I meant to say running – everything.

“If we were to allow a black male to join the Conservative Party, what next? A flying pig, mayhap? A member of the working class, perchance? Or, Heaven forfend, a woman? It simply doesn’t bear thinking about,” said Rees-Mogg.

After we informed Mr Rees-Mogg that the rumour was actually about blackmail in the party, he visibly relaxed.

“Ah, blackmail. Well, that’s quite alright. Simply part of politics. That is a relief, I must say. Politics as usual, tallyho!” he replied.