In a radio interview this morning, Boris Johnson said that the coronavirus crisis has been a ‘disaster’ for the country. Asked directly about the impact of Covid-19, he blathered, ‘This has been a disaster, let’s not mince our words, this has been an absolute nightmare for the country.’

‘Look who’s talking,’ shrugged Covid-19. ‘At least I’ve been open, honest and transparent from the off – and there’s never been any doubt that I’m hard at work.’

Asked his biggest regret so far, whilst refusing to be drawn on the impact of his special adviser’s behaviour to the virus response, ‘I happen to think that the moment is not right now, in the middle of really getting things going, still dealing with the pandemic, when everybody is flat out, I don’t think the moment is right now for concentrating a huge amount of time to all that. I’ve got the second wave to organise yet,’ the virus responded. ‘Bear in mind, I’ve been taking control of this single-handedly from the off – there’s been no weekends away for me.’

Challenged about why he felt unable to continue without the contentious Cummings at his side, Johnson faffed and faltered.

‘Oh yes, fair enough, there was that jaunt up to Derby and the day-trip to Barnard Castle. I’d quite forgotten about that!’ the virus admitted.