The Conservative Party’s notorious Head of Extreme Punishment Priti Patel has stated that executions and amputations will return to Britain in the coming months.

Patel told us that the measures were necessary for national security ahead of what could be some tough times for Britain.

“When people don’t have food and heat, they tend to get a little…boisterous,” Patel began. “We must do everything in our power to make the nation safe. That means killing or severely maiming anyone who gets out of hand.

“If you get out of hand, you lose a hand. It’s that simple.”

It’s thought that Patel lobbied Prime Minister Boris Johnson to allow more extreme punishments after seeing what the Taliban were doing in Afghanistan.

“Why should the Taliban have all the fun?” she asked him.

The draconian forms of punishment have been met with opposition by much of the British public; however, Labour leader Keir Starmer wants to see what a focus group says before he lodges any sort of protest.