Edinburgh was today named European City of Environmentalism 2019, in recognition of its astounding achievements in recycling.

UK domestic recycling targets are currently 25% for domestic refuse, whilst Europe is aiming to increase recycling to 50% by the end of 2020, but Edinburgh has led the way by managing to process and re-use 85% of all waste within the city limits.

‘We are both surprised and pleased to have received this award,’ said a council spokesperson earlier today. ‘We weren’t even really aware that we were in the running for this accolade, to be honest. In fact, I hadn’t even heard of this environment thing until this morning when I got the telephone call, to tell you the absolute truth.’

Standing in the rain, in front of the imposing Georgian edifice that is Edinburgh City Chambers, the spokesperson continued, ‘I think the whole thing came about more by chance than anything, to be perfectly honest with you. We’d noticed that, all over the city, the empty bottles and cans were starting to mount up a bit and so, given that we’d already filled most of the available land-fill in the region with empties years ago, sending them down to the recycling centre seemed like the only remaining option.’

The spokesperson looked up at the darkening sky, sighed, and then added, ‘Mind you, I think the real turning point came when we set up needle exchanges across the city.’