Daily Squat was unexpectedly granted a rare audience with Her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas this week. Shocked, flabbergasted and overwhelmed, this reporter nonetheless felt compelled to take up the invitation.

Arriving promptly, I was shown into the throne room and, shortly thereafter, Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II entered and took her seat.

She offered me her hand.

HRH: And what do you do?

DS: On this occasion, Your Majesty, an interview. Madam, this is truly a privilege and an honour. Please could you tell me, what are your fondest memories as a member of the Royal Household?

HRH: Oh, one has enjoyed so many wonderful moments – the children, the weddings, the funeral, the jubilees – but few can compare to one’s whirlwind romance with Philip…

DS: How lovely. Please, tell me more.

HRH: Well, when one first met Prince Philip, he knocked one out.

DS: Really? Wasn’t that a little forward?

HRH: Oh, not at all – one’s suitors were carefully selected so one had come to expect it. Breeding is very important, one must understand.

DS: I suppose it must be. Did you have many dates?

HRH: Well, one wanted to sneak out to be with the Prince alone and anonymously. I remember, on our first date, Philip smuggled one out of town to an obscure vegetarian restaurant. We dined unmolested, able to simply relax in one another’s company, and then, afterwards, the Prince took one home and dropped one behind the palace.

DS: That must have caused a bit of a stink!

HRH: One might have expected so, but no; we were most fortunate because it went unnoticed. One invited Philip in for a quick one and, in the end, I thought it was best that he should stay the night in the palace, once he had had one over the eight…

Her Majesty got a glassy look in her eye at this point and trailed off, lost in reverie; then she went for ‘a bit of a lie-down.’

At this point, the household staff escorted this reporter back through the palace, showed him the door and then kicked him soundly through it and down the palace steps.