The Conservative Party has agreed to open several new coal mines just so they can close them all again, it’s emerged.

The Conservative-led government could open a number of new coal mines across the country, allow communities to become dependent on them, and then promptly close them.

‘We’ll convince everyone that we need coal mines again for the sake of the steel industry. The towns will love all the new jobs and opportunities. Then, once they’re completely dependent on the mines, we’ll close them and decimate the towns for good,’ said one Conservative minister.

However, many have said that the plan is lacking in creatively.

‘We’ve seen all this before in the 1980s. It looks like the Conservative Party are running out of new ideas to fuck people over. They’re just repeating their old strategies now,’ one activist told us.

The move to reopen the mines has also received criticism from environmentalists, who’ve said that Prime Minister Boris Johnson risks humiliation if he goes through with it.

‘I risk humiliation every time I get out of bed so that doesn’t worry me,’ Johnson responded.