Conservative HQ’s “Days since last scandal” sign remains at 0, where it has been for the last several months.

The sign was purchased at the beginning of Boris Johnson’s premiership. It was placed prominently on a wall of the Conservative Party HQ, where it has yet to get beyond the number 3.

“The sign came with all the numbers, we’ve just not been able to get beyond 3. It’s been particularly grim in recent months though, it’s just sat at 0. Corruption, parties, blackmail – it’s all perfectly fine stuff, you’re not supposed to get caught doing it though!” one Conservative member told us.

While some within the party have bemoaned the lack of discipline displayed during Boris Johnson’s leadership, others have called it an excellent example of political strategy.

“He’s set the lowest bar possible for the next Conservative leader to come in and look comparatively well-spoken and competent. Suddenly, the Conservative Party is back on top again. Hurrah!” said Keir Starmer.