A company has won a £3.2 billion contract to supply the government with enough Union Flags to paper over their general incompetence.

While that may seem like a big sum of money, the number of flags required by the government is described as ‘astronomical’.

‘The government wants to be protected by at least one hundred Union Flags at all times. In Boris Johnson’s case, that number grows to a thousand. So you can see why the cost would be so high,’ said one government figure.

There will also be some special bulletproof flags for Johnson to hide behind if the going gets really rough.

The company that won the contract is rumoured to be owned by a friend of Michael Gove, as it was his turn to reward a pal while taking a substantial backhander later down the line.

‘Personally, I find that very hard to believe. There’s no way that Michael Gove has a friend,’ one of his aides told us.