McDonald’s announce that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to jizz in the mayo
McDonald’s have announced that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to jizz in the mayo to help prevent the spread of Covid. The decision came…
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God admits regret over not resting on the sixth day
God has today admitted that he regrets not resting on the sixth day and avoiding the biggest mistake of His creative career. After creating light,…
Met Police to open a Future Crimes Division
The Met Police has announced that they plan to open a Future Crimes Division to help tackle crimes that they’re allowed to investigate. With the…
Socialist teen becomes ardent capitalist after dominating family game of Monopoly
A teenager who had previously described themselves as a socialist is now an ardent capitalist after dominating a family game of Monopoly over the weekend….
Northerners found to be sentient and capable of feeling pain, but incapable of expressing it
People from the North of England are sentient beings capable of feeling pain, although they’re not able to express it, according to a review commissioned…
Could Uber getting into the cannabis market be a gateway to Uber delivering heroin?
Uber has announced that it will be entering the cannabis market, as Uber Eats customers in certain parts of Canada will also be able to…
Queen to have middle finger cryogenically frozen and placed on throne in final FU to Charles
Queen Elizabeth II plans to have her middle finger cryogenically frozen and placed on the throne as one final FU to Prince Charles after she…
All transport links to Burnley cut off due to lack of interest
All transport links previously connecting Burnley to the rest of Britain have been cancelled due to lack of interest, it’s emerged. Roads and railways that…
Greta Thunberg branded a ‘hypocrite’ by opponents over 18 years of CO2 production
Opponents of climate activist Greta Thunberg have criticised her hypocrisy after learning she has been producing carbon dioxide for over eighteen years. Carbon dioxide (CO2)…
Queen Elizabeth II spotted with Pete Davidson
Queen Elizabeth II has been spotted with Pete Davidson on the balcony of Windsor Castle, according to reports. Pete Davidson, the comedian who’s best known…