Woman cures cancer with crystals by selling them to gullible fools and paying for private treatment
A woman has successfully cured her cancer using crystals by selling them to gullible fools and using the proceeds to pay for private treatment. Skye…
Health
Licking a shit-covered McDonald’s touchscreen still healthier than eating their food
Licking a shit-covered McDonald’s touchscreen is still probably better for you than eating their food, experts believe. Every single McDonald’s self-order touchscreen tested has been…
Meningitis to be renamed ‘persongitis’ after feminist protest
The World Health Organisation has announced that meningitis will be officially renamed to ‘persongitis’ after several feminist protests against the sexist name. Feminists argued that…
NHS to prescribe pizza and cookies alongside medical cannabis
NHS doctors will be given the power to prescribe pizza, cookies and other junk food to patients who are also receiving medical cannabis. Getting snacky…
Doctors report huge surge in patients suffering from ‘that thing you need weed for’
GPs all over Britain are reporting a huge surge in patients suffering from ‘that thing you need weed for’ on the day that medical cannabis…
God seeks professional help after hearing voices of humanity in His head
God has revealed He’s seeking professional psychiatric help after hearing voices of humanity in His head. A celestial psychiatrist will help God deal with the…
You don’t need booze when you’re gacked up on ket, say young people
Young people are turning their backs on alcohol – mainly because they’re all gacked up on ket instead. A recent study has shown that almost…
IT worker on life support wakes up to ask doctors if they’ve tried turning it off and on again
An IT worker who’d been on life support for over five years woke up yesterday and asked doctors if they’d tried turning it off and…
Gwyneth Paltrow hospitalised after inserting cactus up her rectum
Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been hospitalised after she attempted to stuff an eight-inch cactus up her rectum, it’s emerged. Paltrow was said to be…
NHS to offer free penis enlargement surgery to Range Rover drivers
The NHS has announced plans to offer free penis enlargement surgery to Range Rover drivers, all of whom so obviously need it. Drivers of the…