British waters are now so full of shit from dumped sewage that they’re frequently being mistaken for Keir Starmer, it’s emerged.

Full of infections and giving off a rancid stench, the Labour Party continues to trail the Conservatives in the polls. Many put this down to the Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, and the job he’s done promoting the values of the party.

“Any other leader would be twenty-five points ahead of the Tories,” one former Labour member told us.

Starmer’s reputation seems to be sinking so low that he’s frequently being mistaken for sewage-filled waters and vice versa.

“I am aware of the issue and I’m working tirelessly with focus groups to decide whether it’s something the voters care about or not. If the voters don’t care, I’ll leave it be; if they do care, I’ll seriously consider doing something about it before I decide to leave it be,” Sir Keir told us.

It’s believed that Starmer was talking about his reputation rather than the actual issue of raw sewage being dumped into British waters.