Breweries across Britain are to remain closed in case the Conservative Party try to organise a piss-up, it’s emerged.

Pub landlords have promised not to re-open until the threat of a Conservative Party piss-up has fully died down.

‘The last thing we need right now is a large gathering of posh twats trying to organise anything,’ one landlord told us.

The general belief is that any attempted piss-up would fail due to a mix of incompetence, wilful ignorance, poor communication and lack of PPE.

‘We wouldn’t want our staff within two metres of a Tory without the proper protective gear,’ said another landlord.

The Conservative Party is said to be taking the news well, although Nigel Farage is on suicide watch.

For once, we hope Farage succeeds.