Boris Johnson issued forth a powerful blast of policy this week when he announced his new government initiative. “The latest news is now breaking: wind farms will power Britain’s future.”

Setting out his vision for an age in which Brexit Britain becomes more self-sufficient in a great many ways, such as agriculture, and at the same time encouraging people to adopt a healthier, more plant-based diet, he continued, “Cultivating our own Brussels sprouts, beans and cabbages will power Britons going forward. It’s time to blow off the cobwebs and propel our nation into the future.”

Asked whether these were genuine policies or just more hot air intended as a distraction from the stench of the current mishandled crises, Johnson replied, “Listen, old chap, the future is going to be jolly dicey, what with pandemics, global warming, crashing out of the EU and all that faff, but I think it’s time we put all our eggs in one basket, so to speak, and put our faith in wind. Then I think we might just squeak through.”

Challenging the PM’s vision, opposition leader Keir Starmer suggested that the Prime Minister had his head in some pretty dense clouds if he thought that wind alone could be the future of the UK, adding “The right honourable gentleman has fumbled balls on more than one occasion, but I think he’s dropped one this time. This rotten policy sounds like a stinker to me.”

This challenge was met by guffaws from the Tory benches, and a ruddy-cheeked backbencher countered that everyone should “get behind” the leader, pointing out that “A powerful Trump has been a driving force in the US for the last four years…despite being widely considered to be noxious and oddly discoloured.”

Mutterings that senior civil servants were holding-in doubts wind might provide enough power for our country, and certainly couldn’t help to reduce our harmful emissions, were gagged this afternoon when Dominic “silent but deadly” Cummings let rip at them behind closed doors.