Boris Johnson will self-isolate with only his laptop, an industrial-sized vat of hand cream and a generous supply of tissues, it’s emerged.

The prime minister originally stated that he wouldn’t self-isolate after coming into contact with Sajid Javid, who’s been diagnosed with COVID-19, despite government guidelines.

However, Johnson has U-turned on his decision after realising that it would give him the chance to have an epic wank session.

“Upon further reflection, and after seeing people call me a wanker for being so selfish, I’ve decided that I will, in fact, self-isolate,” Johnson began.

“I’m going to prove that I’m not a selfish wanker by isolating myself silly for the next week.”

Johnson says he will be hard at work over the isolation period and that he hopes to use the time to become the first man to finish all the smut on the internet.