My investigation into allegations of multiple parties at 10 Downing Street has found that Boris Johnson is an utter [REDACTED].

In fact, not only is Boris Johnson an utter [REDACTED], he is also a [REDACTED], a [REDACTED] and a [REDACTED].

[REDACTED] may seem like a strong word, but it is the most fitting one I can think of for the [REDACTED] prime minister.

After questioning several cabinet members, MPs and the prime minister’s aides, there is no doubt in my mind that Boris Johnson is 100% [REDACTED] of all the crimes he’s been accused of.

It is my opinion that the prime minister should be [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and then [REDACTED] with a particularly blunt knife.

While it may go against the law, I would also enjoy seeing the queen [REDACTED] the prime minister right up his big, fat [REDACTED]. It’s the least he deserves.