Prime Minister Boris Johnson is facing such ferocious animosity from all sides of the political spectrum that he’s been forced to apply for asylum seeker status within the EU.

After losing his majority and his first vote as PM, Johnson is being attacked from within and outside the Conservative Party.

‘I’m in clear danger here and I really must insist that the EU grants me political asylum,’ he told EU chiefs.

‘You don’t know what it’s like to be constantly under fire, have some bloody empathy!’ he finished.

EU chiefs will now deliberate for an inordinate amount of time before telling Johnson to fuck off back to where he came from.