Boris Johnson has encouraged Brits not to worry about sewage being dumped into the water because they won’t be able to smell the effluence once they catch Covid.

The prime minister is hoping that Covid-19 can bail him out of the shit that is spilling into British waters. People who contract Covid often report a loss of smell and taste for months afterwards.

“The loss of smell should help with the sewage problem. I couldn’t smell anything for months after I had Covid. It was fantastic, I could literally walk around like my farts didn’t stink.

“And the loss of taste will be helpful too. Everyone will be on rations of gruel by the end of the year. It won’t taste quite so bad after you’ve caught Covid,” said Johnson.

The prime minister is now recommending that everyone ditches masks, stays no further than six inches apart, and goes back to the office.

“Remember, we’re all in this together,” he said while booking his next holiday.