Sea life “covid free” thanks to billions of masks dumped in the ocean
Covid has had no impact on sea life, thanks to the billions of masks dumped in the ocean, according to marine biologists. Millions of sea…
Articles by Jake Rhodes
Scotland overjoyed after hearing Storm Eunice has “battered” Britain
Scotland is in a jubilant mood after hearing that Storm Eunice has battered Britain, leaving it feeling more Scottish than ever.
Boris Johnson to hold emergency COBRA meeting
Prime Minister Boris Johnson will hold an emergency COBRA meeting tonight, ostensibly to discuss rising energy costs. The COBRA meeting will take place at 10…
Mark Zuckerberg invents device to block out people telling him to fuck off
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has unveiled his latest innovation, a headset and earphones that completely block out the sound and sight of other people telling…
Gareth Southgate set to unveil ‘daring’ 10-0-0 formation against Germany
Gareth Southgate is set to unveil a ‘daring’ 10-0-0 formation against Germany tonight, according to sources within the England camp. The formation will see England…
Number of dropped gay cards down to ‘almost zero’ since shutdown of schools
The number of gay cards being dropped on the floor is down to ‘almost zero’ since the shutdown of schools, it’s emerged. Once dropped, gay…
BBC pays £800 million for the rights to the raindrop window race
BBC has won exclusive rights to cover the raindrop window race and plan to make it the centrepiece of their sports coverage. Viewers will be…
JK Rowling reveals that Quidditch players routinely suffered from cauliflower arsehole
JK Rowling has made yet another stunning revelation about the Potterverse today when she tweeted that Quidditch players often suffered from cauliflower arsehole. Quidditch, a…
Penis waiting until it’s back in underwear to release final two drips
A penis has declared its intentions to wait until it’s back in its underwear before releasing the final two drips of urine it’s currently holding….
Expert warns no-deal Brexit will lead to ‘human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together…mass hysteria’
Dr Peter Venkman, a leading expert on economics, has warned that a no-deal Brexit would lead to ‘human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together…mass hysteria’…