All transport links previously connecting Burnley to the rest of Britain have been cancelled due to lack of interest, it’s emerged.

Roads and railways that previously went through Burnley are now being closed or bypassed after officials realised that no one actually wants to visit the grim Northern town and that the residents are all too stupid to leave.

“The roads and railways haven’t been used for quite some time and most of them have fallen into a terrible state of disrepair. It was decided that the cost of repairs simply wasn’t worth it,” one official told us.

Many residents of Lancashire are celebrating the news, stating that they feel much safer now that they’re not connected to Burnley in any way.

There have been some concerns that closing Burnley off could lead to higher rates of incestuous relationships within the town; however, research has shown that it wouldn’t be possible for the rates to go any higher.

“100% is the maximum rate, even for somewhere like Burnley,” said one expert.